So we have a program whose most impactful moments have been vacated.

A team that is second best at its own school at playing basketball.

A transplanted European professional club, which presumably means a run on Marlboro Reds in Champaign, Ill.

A supposed light blue blood with five times as many allegations of NCAA Level I violations as NCAA championships.

Yeah, we can find fault with this entire Final Four. If you’re enough of a hater, you can find holes in John Wooden’s pyramid of success. But for everyone who isn’t already affiliated/adversarial with Michigan, Connecticut, Illinois or Arizona, it’s still important to know which potential champion would be most galling for humanity at large.

So, in the spirit of our recent survey of coaches on the best jobs in men’s college basketball — see, it’s still more than OK to hate Duke — let’s go with a points system on the key categories to settle this. That’s 4 points for least hateable, 1 point for most, and may the worst team lose.

Coaches: Don’t try to stuff Falco in a locker

4. Brad Underwood. The dude put on a cabbie hat and an orange sweatsuit and posed for a picture as if he were about to film a reboot of the 1982 “Der Kommissar” video on MTV. That willingness to lean into his European leanings makes up for all the times he screams on the sideline and looks sort of like a country-fried version of Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.”

Brad Underwood and the Fighting Illini recreated an AI meme referencing his recruitment of a Balkan-heavy roster.

Absolutely love this. pic.twitter.com/YZZSB0AZD6

— College Hoops Database (@CollegeHoopsTIk) November 26, 2025

3. Tommy Lloyd. Buddies with Mark Few and a huge Beastie Boys fan? It’s hard not to like Lloyd. It will be easier if he’s wearing a Carolina blue quarter zip in a week.

2. Dusty May. Points for the mean-mugging thing he’s got going with Morez Johnson Jr. on postgame interviews. Generally affable. Some Big Ten coaches seem to dislike him. Is that just because he’s kicking their butts, or did Bob Knight’s former student manager develop a sinister side after enduring too many locker stuffings in the 1990s?

1. Dan Hurley. He’s not that bad. Unless you’re an official, a human who dares enter the sanctity of a totally public space when he’s having a tantrum, a UConn fan who doesn’t scream for the home team until you’re on the verge of passing out or an opposing fan who is clearly jealous of his two rings by the way you’re chewing that popcorn.

Players: NIL means we can rip college players now

4. Arizona. The Wildcats seem rather polite as they mop the floor with weaker and less talented opponents.

3. Illinois. The entertainment value of Big Z alone is almost worth the top spot.

2. Michigan. May was right about Yaxel Lendeborg’s video f-bombing Purdue when he said: “I’ve probably had too many drinks a few times and done things I shouldn’t have at a bar at 3 a.m.” But Lendeborg’s reaction to a question about Cameron Boozer was sour grapes, not fermented grapes.

1. UConn. Hasn’t enough good basketball stuff happened to Alex Karaban already?

Programs: The ‘Lou ‘Do’ had more blue in it than does Arizona’s blood

4. Illinois. It’s the only program here without a title. Two of the best teams to ever play this game — the 1988-89 Flying Illini and the 2004-05 team led by Dee Brown that went 37-2 — somehow both came up short. And really, who cares how Lou Henson went about acquiring players? His hair was awesome.

3. Michigan. The team that beat that Illinois team in the 1989 Final Four, eventual champ Michigan, was a Glen Rice-led joy to watch. So is this one. So were John Beilein’s teams. All of which makes the perpetual obsession with the Fab Five — who didn’t actually win anything and had all of their records vacated — a bit like people who think George Clooney was the best Batman.

2. Arizona. Lots of great teams and players. Consistent winning since the late Lute Olson arrived in the mid-1980s. One championship, 29 years ago. A significant scandal under Sean Miller, five years ago. Yet most people would list Arizona on the fringe of #bluebloodness, for whatever that’s worth. Michigan has four more Final Fours. And at least Michigan cheated with some flair.

1. UConn. Six freaking national championships since 1999, three for Jim Calhoun, one for Kevin Ollie and two for Hurley. No program is more clutch. Which means very few could possibly be more annoying. Hurley, probably: “Good … good. Let the hate flow through you.”

Fans: Crappy football programs create good basketball fans, and vice versa

4. Illinois. They’re annoying, unrealistic and maybe a bit too hung up on hating Iowa, but they create one of the most underrated hostile environments in the sport. Check them out sometime at that spaceship-looking thingy that used to be called Assembly Hall and is now named after the Hawthorne Smoke Shop or something.

3. Arizona. If you Arizona students would show some initiative and party like Arizona State students, maybe McKale Center would be compared to places like Allen, Cameron and Mackey as opposed to Addition Financial, Fifth Third and United Supermarkets.

2. UConn. Coach Hurley doesn’t think his fans are loud enough. They seem to think he’s right about everything, even when he’s obviously wrong, so there’s no arguing this point.

1. Seriously, Michigan fans? You have arguably the best team in program history, one of the best teams in Big Ten history, looking to become one of this sport’s greatest champions. And you can’t fill every seat for conference games? For shame. The backup left guard battle is still going to be there on April 7.

Final tally: Illinois 15 points, Arizona 12, Michigan 8, UConn 5. Illinois is the ideal winner and UConn is the ideal loser. But Hurley is also the worst loser. Arizona and Michigan both have the opportunity to become the 16th school with multiple titles, thus validating years of delusion.

Chances are, Indianapolis will produce something for the world to gather around and truly abhor.